Stop Naming Princesses Zelda – Awkward Spaceship
I’m not anyone special. I’m not some great hero. I’m just your average guy, living in a cave, but I have a very important message for the Royal Family of Hyrule: stop naming princesses Zelda. You see, I just finished reading the entire history of Hyrule and I find it hard to believe that I’m the first person to notice that every time something horrible happens, we have a princess named Zelda. The Picori Festival is ruined by the evil Wind Mage Vaati – we have a princess named Zelda. The Gerudo King Ganondorf uses the Triforce of Power to conquer Hyrule and turn the Sacred Realm into a a princess named Zelda. The dark priest Agahnim kidnaps the descendants of the Seven Sages so he can unleash a giant pig demon from the Dark World – a princess named Zelda. We have a really mild winter – a princess named Marmalade. “But Average Guy Living in a Cave, it’s a tradition that we name princesses
Zelda after a terrifying wizard put a princess named
Zelda into an irreparable and everlasting coma.” To which my response is, “Wow, that’s a really stupid tradition.” Why would you take something bad that’s
happened and try to keep repeating it over and over
again? Oh, and don’t try to tell me that things “aren’t that bad right now” – If I get sick and need medicine, I have to get a prescription from an old man up a flight of stairs on the top of a mountain, there are only, like, four glass bottles in the entire kingdom, and my shield was eaten by a monster that looks like a stack of friggin’ pancakes! So, please, on behalf of the entire kingdom, stop naming princesses Zelda… or at least make it so I can go outside without being murdered by a bunch of rock-spitting land-octopuses. Rock-spitting land-octopi? Whatever. (music plays) You know what? Never mind. Don’t worry about me. I’ll just stay here and watch over this wooden sword until I have a long white beard. Aw, crap.